


I Don't Want Perfect (I Want You)

by speccygeekgrrl



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Chocolate of Romance, Donna is the alpha on a ship full of monsters there's no way she's a wilting violet, F/M, Fake Marriage, Joel ships it, Jonah has his revenge but he wants MORE revenge, MST3K Live 30th Anniversary Tour, Nor does Synthia buy it, Synthia does NOT ship it, Trope Mashup Challenge Fill, in true Gizmocrat over-the-top fashion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 16:26:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17790797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speccygeekgrrl/pseuds/speccygeekgrrl
Summary: Jonah's last-ditch attempt to get a little bit more revenge against the Mads is to ask Donna to pretend they're married, just to piss Kinga off. Donna is more enthusiastic to play along than Jonah had hoped she'd be— perhaps he's not the only one who's been dealing with feelings developing over the six weeks they've been on tour.





	I Don't Want Perfect (I Want You)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was prompted, um, two months ago, by maggotsandcream on Pillowfort, who asked for a mashup of Fake Married and Chocolate of Romance tropes. I thought it was going to be a little 250 word ficlet. That, uh, that never happens the way I think it will.
> 
> This is set during the last couple days of the 2018 Live Tour. GOSH I fell in love with Donna instantly from those shows. She's so great.

The tour was almost over, and Jonah had no idea what came next. They hadn't been in communication with the Mads since the Deep Hurting left the Moon, which made him think his revenge plan worked, but Synthia wasn't about to let him escape either way. There were only three stops left and Jonah wasn't sure what he dreaded more: going back to the Satellite of Love and movies as bad as the Gauntlet, or Dr. St. Phibes getting back on the Ark-3 without knowing how he felt about her after they'd spent six weeks together.

"We're almost through with this," Donna said after the show in Milwaukee, putting the Brain back in its carry kennel behind stage and sitting on top of it with a sigh.

" _You're_ almost through with it," Jonah said. "We're probably not."

"It's going to suck going back to new bad movies," Crow said, walking past as the bots headed for the Deep Hurting. "I feel like I've built an immunity to these two."

"Oh, come on, aren't you bored?" Tom asked. "I want something new to riff."

"After what we got last season? I'm afraid that's going to be the new normal," Crow sighed.

"Well, Kinga's probably not going to repeat a gimmick, so we should be safe from another Gauntlet... I hope," Gypsum said, herding the two of them out the door. Donna shook her head as the bots left, absently twining a curl around a finger.

Jonah got a brilliant, terrible idea as he looked at her. Kinga might not repeat a gimmick, but Jonah could use her own gimmicks against her, as he'd proved already. The weeks they'd been on tour had shown him that Donna had a good sense of humor and a comparable grudge against Kinga... maybe this would work. He went down on one knee in front of her. Pushing her glasses up her nose with one finger, she blinked at him.

"Donna... will you marry me?" Her jaw dropped with a gasp and she covered her mouth with one hand. Jonah hastily said, "Fake marry me, will you fake marry me?"

" _Excuse_ me?"

"It's the best way I can think of to really mess with Kinga. She strongarmed you into this tour and she keeps accusing me of being obsessed with her. Let's pretend we got married and really fuck with her head. There's nothing she could do about it if we fell— if we acted like we fell in love."

"Jonah Heston! I am shocked at you! How did it take you this long to come up with this scheme? We could have been fake married for _weeks_ by now." Jonah blinked, suffering whiplash in the middle of Donna's words, and she held up her hand and wiggled her fingers. "I'm a size seven, get me something pretty."

"Oh— Okay," he said, and caught her hand in his. "Tomorrow's Chicago. I should be able to find something nice in a city that large."

"My favorite stone is tigers-eye. If you need a hint."

"Oh, that definitely suits you..." Donna beamed at him, and Jonah decided to press his luck. "Should we seal it with a kiss?"

"The kiss customarily comes after the ring, but I suppose there's no reason to adhere to custom since we're faking it," she said, and leaned forward to give him a brief but sweet peck on the lips. "Could you help me with the Brain, please?"

"Of course." He'd helped her with it every other night of the tour, but he liked that she still asked nicely and didn't just assume he'd do it. "So we're going to have to sneak off together for an hour to give us an alibi for actually getting married..." he said as he picked up the kennel. The Brain jostled around inside.

"We could go get pizza," she suggested. "I do love Chicago-style pizza."

"What do you like on it?"

"Oh, I'm a big fan of Hawaiian," she said blithely, and he tried not to trip over his own feet and only stumbled slightly. " _Oh_! I mean with pineapple, not— oh, dear." She put a hand to her mouth and walked a little faster, outpacing him easily to the Deep Hurting.

"You know Hawaiian pizza was invented by a Canadian?" Jonah asked, bravely trying to ignore the fact that his face had turned red. "I think pineapple does belong on pizza. I just don't like it with Canadian bacon. I like it with bacon bacon."

"Ah yes, bacon bacon, made from the common domestic pig pig," Donna teased, giggle-snorting at her own joke and then going pink herself. Jonah set the Brain down next to its corral and Donna put her hand on top of the kennel, glancing up at Jonah a little shyly. "So... are we supposed to be affectionate where people can see us now?" she asked quietly. "Because Synthia's over there."

"That's the idea…" Whatever she saw in his expression, she didn't mind that he was blushing about it.

"Come down here, then," she dared him, and he lowered himself into range for her to put a hand on the back of his neck and pull him further down to be kissed. They heard a gasp and Donna gratuitously popped one leg, getting into the smooch when he wound his fingers into her curls. Their glasses clicked together and Donna giggled into his lips. "Oh my."

"How do you taste like chocolate?" Jonah asked. "We've been stuck in this theater for hours."

"Trade secret," Donna said, patting the pocket of her lab coat. "M&Ms are excellent incentives for good behavior for all the monsters I've brought along on this tour. I always have a pocket full of them."

"Oh, really? I—" Donna held up an M&M to his lips and he opened his mouth obediently to let her pop it in, sweet on his tongue, nutty when he crunched into it. "Oh, peanut butter."

"Yes, it's the pig-man's favorite. I have to give the Brain plain chocolate because it can't handle the—"

"Sodium," Jonah said, and she laughed.

"Well, I'd hope you'd know, by now. You've only sat through me talking about it, what, twenty-five times at this point?"

"Something like that."

"I've seen you eating Reese's, I thought that pocket would be a better bet."

"Thank you. Could I have a few more?"

"On one condition," Donna said, and Jonah's brows arched. "I get to feed them to you."

"Whatever you want... wifey." This was _not_ what he had expected when the idea of pretending to be married popped into his head. The easy slide into casual intimacy made him wonder if maybe there had been things Donna had been keeping to herself, too.

***

They made it to Chicago by noon, and the first show wasn't until seven. There were a lot of things that had to be done before the show, of course, but Jonah and Donna wanted to be conspicuous in their absence, stealing away from the theater and finding their way to a top-rated pizza joint with a good selection on tap. Donna chose a chocolate stout and made an indecent noise at her first sip.

"Here, taste this, it's _amazing_." She pressed the glass into Jonah's hands and he took a small sip, brows shooting up at the flavor bursting over his tongue. "I love a good bitter beer, and it's just the right amount of dark chocolate taste."

"Wow, that's really good," he said. "I wouldn't have taken you for a bitter person. Er, a person who's drawn to bitterness."

"As if you haven't seen me take my coffee black for the past six weeks," she said, and returned his glass of lager which she'd snitched while he had hers. "Or are we pretending we haven't been noticing each other this whole time? What are the parameters of this fraudulent affair anyways?"

"I... honestly didn't think it out before I said it. You asked how long it took me to come up with it... I came up with it right before I said it out loud." She looked at him over the rims of her glasses, dark eyes wide, and then she burst into a fit of giggles interspersed with snorts.

"Oh, Jonah. You are born to fly by the seat of your pants, aren't you? Last minute plans and schemes you pull off in an afternoon... I don't know why that came as a surprise."

"I surprise even myself." Well, it wasn't a lie. But he was much more surprised by her leaning forward and taking his hand.

"It's thrilling. So, if you don't have any rules in mind, I'd like to suggest some..." The back of her hand was marked with bite scars in three different sizes. Jonah traced the largest of them with his thumb and smiled at her.

"Let's hear them."

"I don't want to only play affectionate in front of people we're trying to fool. I genuinely like you and I've been trying to figure out how to tell you for weeks."

"Weeks?" Jonah asked, eyes widening.

"Oh, more than half the tour, honestly. Don't act like you don't know you're endearing."

"I don't know if anyone's used the word endearing about me before."

"You are _intensely_ endearing and charming and delightful," Donna insisted, her glasses slipping down her nose and her curls bouncing when she nodded to make her point. Jonah was sure he was about the color of Joel's jumpsuit. "I'm quite fond of you. I'd like it very much if this whole charade was built off the genuine affection for each other I think we both feel." She pushed her glasses up with one fingertip and he did the same thing a beat later, not exactly consciously.

"That sounds good," he said, "I agree completely."

"Good! I'd also like it if we could get a significant amount of kissing in before we're forcibly parted. I haven’t been kissed in a while and I doubt how often it’ll be happening in the future even if Kinga buys our fake marriage. She doesn’t seem like the type to allow conjugal visits.”

“Is that what you’re looking for? Conjugal visits?” He bravely tried not to stare at her mouth, and she pursed her lips humorously when she realized where his eyes were.

“Well, it’s hardly going to happen on the very crowded Deep Hurting,” she pointed out. “So unless we’re ditching our pizza plans to go find a cheap motel to, er…” Donna trailed off as their pizza was brought to their table, and she laughed. “Never mind. I’m not walking away from this.”

They’d decided on pineapple and bacon as a mutually satisfying order, and they dug into the pizza with gusto. It was almost good enough to make Jonah think about something that wasn’t Donna casually suggesting a no-tell motel as an option for how to spend their time. He did a very bad job of not staring at her, but she did an equally bad job of pretending she wasn’t sneaking glances at him every few moments and turning a little more pink every time she met his eyes.

“That was phenomenal,” Donna said as she delicately wiped her mouth with a napkin after she’d had her fill. “You can always tell when they use top quality bacon instead of cutting corners.”

“I’m surprised you’ll eat bacon when you’ve been bringing around a pig-man for the last six weeks,” Jonah said, and Donna huffed through her nose.

“Yes, well, he’d eat bacon too, so he’s got no finger to point at me about it. That species has been known to be cannibalistic as well as carnivorous. And anyhow, no one’s going to make bacon out of him. He’s endangered, but not in that way.” She made sure her fingers were clean and then propped her head on one hand, smiling at Jonah as he finished his last slice. “Are we going to find me a ring after this?”

“That was the plan,” Jonah said. “Unless you have more rules you’d like to establish that I should hear first.”

“Oh, I think allowing ourselves to be affectionate is the only rule that matters. We do have to sell this in the two days we have left, we’ve got to be really convincing.”

They didn’t have anyone to sell it to while they wandered Chicago peeking into indie shops and jewelers, but she took his hand and didn’t let go as they strolled the sidewalks. The November breeze tossed her curls, and he stopped her a couple steps up the stoop to a gift shop to give her the kiss he’d been thinking about giving her since the first time she reached up to push them out of her eyes. She made a small startled sound and swayed into him, hands clutching the fabric of his yellow jacket to hold him close, and didn’t let him go until both their glasses had fogged up between them.

“ _Oh_ ,” Jonah breathed, pulling his glasses down his nose to look at her over the rims, finding her with her glasses in her hand as she leaned back in for a quick peck like punctuation. “You’re fun to kiss.”

“Thank you,” she chirped, pulling the cloth she always carried for this purpose out of an inside pocket to polish her glasses and replace them on her face. She carefully removed Jonah’s to no protest from him to clean them too, and he smiled at her as she slid them back onto his face and pecked him on the cheek. “Come on, we’ve no time to waste before we have to be back to the theater.”

“Kissing you is the furthest thing from a waste of time,” he said, but followed her up the steps and into the store. There was a display case toward the back of the store with an assortment of rings, and Donna bit her lip as she studied them, looking for the right prop in their campaign of disinformation.

“Oh, that one’s _ridiculous_ , I hope it’ll fit,” she said, pointing to a truly gaudy cabochon of tigers-eye set in yellow gold. Jonah leaned over her shoulder to see and snorted.

“That thing’s half the size of your finger.”

“I _know_ , it’s so ostentatious. No one will be able to miss it.” Jonah selected a much more understated gold band for his half of the deception, and Donna tutted quietly over his decision to not match her in going ridiculously over the top. “Honestly, why _wouldn’t_ you go overboard, given the chance?”

“Well, I work with my hands a lot, so I don’t want something I’ll have to be taking off all the time.” Donna’s eyes lit up.

“So you’re planning on wearing this for an extended period of time…”

“As long as we _can_ keep the ruse going, I don’t see why we _wouldn’t_.”

There were truffles in a basket next to the register as the clerk checked them out, and Jonah pulled three out and put them on the counter: two black-wrapped extra dark and a blue-wrapped sea salt. “That’ll be $97.32,” the clerk said, and Jonah handed over his credit card and took the ring before the clerk could box it up.

“Donna St. Phibes, do you vow to carry out this fake marriage scheme until we totally drive Kinga insane or until Mads do us part?” he asked dramatically, taking her hand.

“I do,” Donna chirped, and Jonah slid the ring on her finger. “But I’m not taking your name even in jest. My entire professional career is wrapped up in my own name.”

“Well, yeah, of course,” Jonah said. “I wouldn’t expect you to even if we were getting married for real. That’s archaic, and you have too much at stake.” He put the two extra dark truffles in her hand, wrapped her fingers around them, and bent to kiss her fingers. “There. I can’t offer much as a fake husband, but at least I can get you the kind of chocolate you prefer.”

“You darling man.” Donna reached up to caress his cheek with her other hand, beaming up at him. “Back to the theater with us, I suppose…”

“Unless you’d rather find a cheap motel,” Jonah said, half hopeful and half joking. Her brows arched.

“Oh, I wish we had the time, I _do_. Perhaps tomorrow in Minneapolis?”

“Seriously?”

“I suppose we should stay with the group if we’re meant to be selling our marriage as a fact, but, well…” She waved a hand to encompass his lanky body. “You don’t need to try to be a compelling reason for us to steal away, you do it quite naturally. That’s part of your charm.”

“Oh—” Jonah could feel his face going red, and he stammered a “Thanks” before leading her out of the store and back into the chill November wind to try to settle his blush down a bit, unwrapping the truffle he’d bought for himself and popping it in his mouth to keep himself from saying anything awkward or dumb. Donna ate one of hers more delicately, taking little nibbles of it instead of eating it whole, and she looked very, very amused when she lifted her chocolate-stained fingers to his lips just to see what he’d do and he obediently licked them clean.

“I’ll have to try that again at the theater,” she purred, eyes bright behind her glasses as the wind whipped her hair back from her face. “You are… quite something, Jonah.”

“Quite something is a highly ambiguous phrase,” he said, and she grinned. “I guess I’ll take it as a compliment?”

“It was meant as one. I only have nice things to say about you, don’t you know that by now?”

“I generally don’t make assumptions in my own favor.”

“That’s a shame when you’re such an outstanding human being.” Donna looped her arm around Jonah’s and leaned into him, only slightly awkwardly despite their height difference. “I think very highly of you.” Given how far back she had to crane her neck to look up at him, and the timbre of her grin, he had to snort at the well-worn joke. 

“If I’m quite something, then you’re something else,” Jonah said, and she gave him a slow blink like a pleased feline. 

“Thank you. I _know_ that’s a compliment.” 

“Where have _you_ been?” Synthia asked, catching Jonah and Donna right as they tried to sneak in through the back door of the theater. Donna lifted her left hand to brush her curls out of her eyes, and Synthia gasped. “What is _that_?”

“Oh, haha, Jonah and I thought we’d get eloped!” Donna said brightly.

“ _What_?”

“Well, I mean, how _couldn’t_ I ask her to marry me? She’s adorable,” Jonah said, wrapping an arm around Donna’s shoulders. She leaned into him with a beatific smile, and Synthia groaned.

“Oh, Kinga’s not going to like this.”

“Kinga won’t find out about it until we’re back on the Moon,” Jonah said.

“That’s only two days away! And _I_ don’t like it,” Synthia snapped.

“It’s a good thing he didn’t ask _you_ to marry him, then,” Donna said, and she kissed her fingertips and reached up to press them to Jonah’s lips. “I’ve got to go care for the monsters.”

“Need a hand?” he asked, and Synthia snapped her fingers at him.

“Ah! No. I need your help with the bots.”

“What did the bots do this time?” Donna walked away and Jonah wistfully watched her go, sighing when she turned a corner and went out of view. Synthia stared up at him with narrowed eyes.

“They tried to prank Joel and somehow that ended up with Crow duct taped to a brick wall. I’m not taking him down and breaking all my nails in the process.”

“Yeah, that scans,” Jonah said, and cracked his knuckles. “Okay, let’s go peel a bot off a wall.” 

***

“So,” Joel said, as they were packing up after the last show of the night. “You and Donna, huh?”

“Yeah,” Jonah said. “I know it seems crazy and impulsive but—”

“Nah, you kids are perfect for each other.” Jonah’s mouth shut with a click. Joel pushed his glasses up and smiled at him. “I’m glad you finally got your act together. Watching the two of you dance around each other for the past six weeks was like an endless episode of Degrassi.”

“I, uh— you really think— I mean, thanks? I think?” Joel patted Jonah on the back as he walked by, leaving Jonah stunned behind him. After a moment Jonah shook himself and went to go help Donna get her monsters back on the tour vehicle.

“Hello, darling,” she said as he walked over, presenting him with pursed lips until he leaned down to deliver a kiss. “Good job out there tonight.”

“Likewise, honeybunny.” Donna barely repressed a snort of laughter, one hand grazing his stubbled cheek gently as she turned back to wrangle the pig-man, who seemed mostly amused by them and came along peacefully. “So… I’m sure your monsters are looking forward to getting back to the Ark-3,” Jonah said, falling short of the casual tone he was aiming for as he walked alongside her.

“Oh, well, of course they are. And so am I. Being cooped up on this tour ship has been stressful. I’m used to having plenty of alone time and I’ve barely had two minutes to myself since we left Moon 13.” She glanced up and added in a sly tone, “of course, I’d be satisfied simply to be alone together for an hour or so…”

“For some reason, I doubt you’re that simple to satisfy,” he said, and she giggle-snorted in a way that made him want nothing more than to kiss her.

“For some reason, I doubt you’ll have much difficulty if that’s your goal,” she purred, and his cheeks went pink. “Oh, you’re so cute when you blush, I just want to make you do it _constantly_.”

“I’m not usually this easily flustered,” he said defensively, and her brows arched.

“I must be special, then. Because you certainly do it an awful lot around me.”

“You’re trying to get me to do it!”

“That’s only been true for a day. You’ve been doing it all tour.”

“Liar, you’ve definitely been doing it deliberately longer than a day.” She grinned, unashamed to be caught out, and blew him a kiss before leading the pig-man over to his temporary habitat to secure him for the last night of touring before they’d head home. The Brain jostled around in its corral, and she fed it a few M&Ms through the grate of the door.

“Yes, yes, I know it’s been a long tour, we’re almost done,” she cooed soothingly, and turned back to Jonah with a mischievous look in her eyes. “Well… _hubby_ … want to go canoodle where we’ll be obnoxiously obvious?”

“Yes please,” Jonah said. If she didn’t have to be ashamed to be caught teasing him, then he wasn’t going to feel ashamed of how eager he was to be teased by her.

Synthia and Gypsum were talking in the little lounge of the Deep Hurting when they came in to occupy the couch, and Synthia paused in the middle of a sentence when Donna perched herself on Jonah’s lap instead of the couch next to him. 

“I didn’t realize you were a voyeur,” Gypsum said when Synthia didn’t finish what she was saying. Synthia gave herself a little shake, narrowed her eyes at the couple, and turned back to the bot.

“I’m _not_. I’m just wondering when exactly these two lovebirds started billing and cooing when everyone on this tour has been watching them be awkward with each other for the past six weeks.”

“It took us a while to talk about our feelings,” Donna said, playing her fingers through Jonah’s hair casually. “But, well, when you know, you know.”

“Sounds like romance novel bullshit to me,” Synthia said.

“Oh, come on, just because you were cloned from Pearl doesn’t mean you have to be heartless like her,” Gypsum said. “I think they’re cute.”

“I’m not heartless,” Synthia said, sounding hurt. “I just don’t believe this.”

“You’re just jealous because you still can’t figure out how to say anything to Terry,” Donna said, and Synthia gasped.

“I told you that in _confidence_!”

“Yes, well, stop casting aspersions on my romantic aspirations because you can’t fulfill your own. Let me be happy, would you?”

“There’s something fishy about this,” Synthia said.

“Are you just mad that I didn’t tell you as soon as it happened? Because I’ve _been_ telling you how I feel about Jonah when you told me how you feel about Terry. And Jonah _did_ only ask me last night. It’s not like I’ve been sitting on this development for a week. It _just_ happened.”

“Congratulations, then,” Synthia said, voice heavy with sarcasm, as she turned to leave the room.

“I guess we’re done?” Gypsum called after her, to no reaction. The bot sighed and looked at Jonah and Donna. “Congratulations without the sarcasm. You take care of him, okay? Jonah’s a good guy. He deserves to be treated well.”

“I certainly plan on treating him well,” Donna said, rubbing her fingers against his scruffy cheek. “He’s quite dear to me.”

“Am I really?” Jonah asked playfully, and she leaned in to kiss him. He tangled his fingers in her curls and kept her in place to kiss back, and neither of them heard Gypsum’s chuckle or the sound of her coils dragging on the floor of the lounge as she left the room as well.

“Oh, very much so,” she breathed when their lips parted. “Would you like to— mm.” She cut herself off, and his brows arched.

“Would I like to what?”

“Would you like to find out if we can both fit in one of these bunks? Not for anything that would be inappropriate for the rest to overhear. I just think it’d be nice to have you hold me all night.”

“Only way to find out is to try, so let’s try.” Her eyes lit up, and he added a little reluctantly, “if you promise to behave…”

“Spoil my fun,” she sighed. “Is it that obvious I was thinking about seeing whether you could keep quiet?”

“You get this predatory look when you’re thinking about sex.” Donna smirked, and Jonah added, “ _Not_ that I mind. But I really don’t need anyone on this tour but you knowing the stupid sounds I make in the throes of passion.”

“Do you, now.” Her fingers toyed with the collar of his t-shirt, one nail tracing the line of his collarbone under the fabric. “You might not need anyone else to hear them, but now I definitely need to hear them myself.”

“Maybe we should— ah!” He buckled ticklishly when she scratched under his chin and reached up to capture her hands to stop her. “Maybe we should look into places we could escape to tomorrow,” he suggested, and she beamed. “If you really mean it.”

“Oh, darling, I _do_.” 

***

When Jonah and Donna showed up at the theater twenty minutes before showtime after disappearing pretty much as soon as the Deep Hurting got parked in Minneapolis, Donna’s curls barely showed they were a tousled disaster compared to their usual unruly mess, but Jonah was noticeably disheveled and had one very visible hickey just inside the collar of his jumpsuit, as if it had been placed to be hidden but estimated badly in the execution. 

“Look a little less proud of yourself,” Crow commented as they waited in the wings for the show to begin. “It is _so_ obvious what the two of you disappeared for.”

“Oh, like you know anything about it,” Tom said.

“I’ve seen enough trashy movies about horny teenagers to recognize that look,” Crow said. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jonah said primly. “My wife and I did nothing inappropriate.”

“Yeah, _right_ ,” Crow scoffed.

“Well, it isn’t inappropriate if they’re married,” Tom said. “That’s like, the point of getting married, isn’t it? So you can boink like bunnies without it being inappropriate?”

“I wouldn’t call that the _point_ , but it’s a factor,” Jonah said.

“Maybe comb your fingers through your hair, you’re barely presentable,” Crow said. Jonah hastily tried to straighten his appearance out a bit. By the time they took the stage, he looked more like he’d woken up from a nap than like he’d been ravished by a surprisingly aggressive monster conservationist. He tried not to look at her too dreamily as she came out for her monster exhibition halfway through each show, not realizing the affection shining clearly through his gaze despite his intentions.

***

As soon as the Deep Hurting docked to Moon 13, Synthia herded Jonah and Donna in front of the clearly furious Kinga Forrester and her perpetually bemused second banana, only recently released from the captivity in which Jonah had trapped them the instant the tour vehicle left. 

“What’s this nonsense about you getting hitched?” Kinga asked with no preamble. Jonah and Donna both held up their left hands to display their rings, and the mad scientist sneered. 

“Awww,” Max cooed, clearly taken by the romantic nature of an elopement regardless of how inconvenient it was for the experiment in general.

" _Don't_ get any smart ideas," Kinga hissed, one finger pointed in Max's face to cut him off in the middle of forming his next word. His eyes widened and he deliberately closed his mouth, but cut a glance over to Jonah and Donna, who had taken each other’s hands, fingers entwining, with envy clear in his gaze. "Married, ugh. How heteronormative of you." 

"You do know that gay people can get married too, right?" Jonah asked, and she rolled her eyes. 

"You do know that you're still my captive and I'm not just going to let you galavant off with your monster hunter wife regardless of your marital status, right?" 

"I don't _hunt_ monsters," Donna said with a sigh. "I _save_ monsters. And if you won't let me keep him, I must insist that I get to visit him. A woman has needs, you know." 

"I can respect that," Kinga said, and pointed at Max again. "Shut up." 

"I wasn't going to say anything that time." 

"Yeah right." 

"Oh, come on. I'm not allowed to speak now?" 

"Not when you're going to say something dumb." 

"I think you should let him speak his mind," Jonah said, doing a very poor job of restraining a smile. "He might surprise you." 

"Thank you," Max said. 

"Not a chance," Kinga said. "Do you know how much harder it is to deal with him now that I can't just ruthlessly break his heart all the time? The last thing I need is for him to take _your_ example." 

"I'm not going to ask you to marry me," Max said, and she fixed him with a narrow-eyed stare. 

"Why not? Is there something wrong with me?"

"The essays that could be written in response to that question," Donna muttered, and she pulled on Jonah's hand as Kinga and Max started loudly arguing with each other, leading him away from the Mads before she tugged him down to breathe into his ear, "So, is this what you had in mind with this scheme?" 

"I'm reserving judgment on the success of the plan until we find out about the conjugal visits," he whispered back, and she burst into a peal of laughter and threw her arms around his neck. The Mads went silent for a moment, and then: 

"That could be us, but you playin'," Max said. Kinga punched him.


End file.
